Blood & Donuts (1995)

Directed by: Holly Dale
Starring: Gordon Currie, Justin Louis, Helene Clarkson, David Cronenberg

Axel: You want we should put this hotshot on ice?
Stephen: You grew up here in Toronto Axel... who here talks like that? Am I employing retards? I have nothing against retards in general, I just can't afford to employ them. Unless I'm the retard. Am I the retard?

Blood & Donuts is a Canadian-made Vampire movie that opens with scenes from the Apollo moon landing an the ominous title card:

In 1969 man walked on the moon
And Boya crawled into a bag.
Cool. We cut to a shot of a man driving golf balls at an abandoned warehouse, Fight Club-style. One of his balls crashes through a window, knocking over a support beam and uncovering a bag. The bag starts to move, and a creepy guy with long fingernails steps out. Boya perhaps? Well, there's an old newspaper with the headline "MAN WALKS ON MOON" nearby, so it's a good bet it is. Boya hops into a passing cab and asks to be taken to the nearest cemetary. The cab driver is a really annoying guy who does his damnedest to sound like Christopher Walken, but fails miserably. Luckily he's only in this one scene, right?

Crap. Turns out this driver (his name's Earl) is going to be a main character. When Earl isn't driving a cab, he's hanging out at a local donut shop run by Molly (Helene Clarkson). Before I go any further, I've got to say something about Helene Clarkson's eyebrows. They are truly magnificent in their unabashed bushyness. I don't know whether someone told her that having monster caterpillars on her face would help her acting career, but kudos to her for refusing to sell out and pluck them. Of course, the only role she had after this movie was 'Waitress' in the made for TV movie Dangerous Offender: The Marlene Moore Story, so maybe she should have trimmed a little. Here... you decide:


Told you. Anyway, Boya soon shows up at the donut shop, expecting it to be a bar he used to go to in the 60's. It isn't, but he's just in time to help out Earl, who's getting hassled by some local thugs. The thugs go back and report this to their boss Steven (David Cronenberg... yes, that David Cronenberg) and he's pissed. Three things about Steven. First, what crime boss is named Steven? Second, why is Steven's HQ in a bowling alley? Third, why does an allegedly badass crime boss have a gun smaller than my remote control? Those crazy Canooks. Nevertheless, Boya's kindness towards Earl impresses Molly so much, that later that night they have dream sex (don't ask).

There's also a storyline with Boya's old girlfriend Rita. She's pissed at being left behind while Boya got to live in a bag for 25 years (it makes more sense when she says it). But, since not much ever comes of this storyline, I'll leave it be. So Boya goes to fight Steven, but in the process, Earl gets injured and appears to die. Luckily Molly shows up with some donuts and, in a mindnumbingly dumb scene, saves his life by covering each hand with donut filling, taping screwdrivers to them, and then jump-starting his body from a nearby car. Huh? If this whole movie had been tongue in cheek it would have been one thing, but it wasn't. For the most part, this movie tried to be a serious vampire movie. One cool thing happens at the end of the movie that I won't spoil for you, but other than that and the promising opening sequence, this movie failed to entertain.


- Micah

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