The Boneyard (1991)

Directed by: James Cummins
Starring: Deborah Rose, Norman Fell, Phyllis Diller

Try to stay out of my hair... there's so little of it already. Ba-HAAAAA!!!! - Miss Poopinplatz

The Boneyard is a horror movie that seems to exist for the sole purpose of giving decrepit actress Phyllis Diller a chance to show off her unique comedic chops. If that strikes you as an odd reason for a horror movie to exist, you're not alone. In fact, in my book it's downright bizzare.

The movie starts off like a normal, if not predictable, rip-off of The Dead Zone. Deborah Rose fills in for the Walken role as the overweight psychic Alley Cates, an incredibly depressed woman who has seen better days. She is still reeling from the media backlash she experienced after using her psychic abilities to assist local police track down a serial killer. Turns out the locals were less than thrilled about having a modern day witch living in their town.

Here's your reluctant hero.

However, after a new killer takes out three children, the police chief gets Cates to grudgingly come out of retirement. The two head to the local morgue to inspect the bodies, but they find that the children have been reanimated and are beginning to run amok. I've got to say, the make-up on these kids is pretty sweet.


Cool, right?

Ok, so that's the setup. Nothing too special about it, right? Wrong, because at this point (30 minutes into the movie) we're introduced to the morgue supervisor and the movie dramatically changes gears from being a straightforward horror flick to being a kooky horror comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the one, the only, Phyllis Diller.


Here's your crazy beyond belief hero.

First, we learn that Diller's character is named, get ready for it, Miss Poopinplatz. That's right, we get to spend the entire movie hearing such odd lines as "Would you please show us the bodies of those three dead children Miss Poopinplatz?" Don't know about you, but that just doesn't sound right to me. But wait, it gets better, because Diller is going to act:


See Diller Scared.


See Diller Slimed.


See Diller Monstered-Out.

OK, I'm sorry if I've spoiled part of this movie for those of you who really wanted to see it. I thought long and hard before including that screenshot, but I could see no way of reviewing this movie without stating my astonishment that it Contains a 7 Foot Phyllis Diller Monster!!!. It is just simply astounding that something like this could have existed for 10+ years and I'd never heard of it. I mean come on... a Phyllis Diller Monster?!?! And not only that, but Diller is transformed after she is slimed by one of the little brats, which means we get to listen to hear make puking & gagging noises for 5-6 minutes. Delightful. But wait, there's more... would you believe me if I told you that Miss Poopinplatz has a dog?


That's right folks... a Poodle Monster.

At this point, the movie has almost completely thrown off all pretenses of being a serious film... not like it had much choice. I can only say that it is one of the most jarring mid-film switches I've seen in a long while. I'm not really going to suggest you watch this all the way through, because the horror isn't very scary and the comedy isn't very funny. However, if you can track a copy down, it's probably worth FF-ing to the scenes with the Diller Monster and the Poodle Monster.

Actually, the movie is also worth checking out for the 3 mind-numbing interviews included on the DVD... one with Diller, one with the Director, and one with the Producer. Each of the latter two are almost wholly focused on how Diller got cast. They never come out and say it, but you get the sense that Diller's inclusion in the movie lead to some drastic changes in the original script. I can't say for sure, but I'd put money on the fact that Diller picked her character's name herself and pushed for the comedic elements in the film's final 2/3rds.

And the interview with Diller... incredible. The interview begins with the cameraman telling her "So many people buying this DVD are going to be interested in Phyllis Diller." Really, is there still a pretty active Diller fan base? Somehow I doubt it. This entire 20 minute interview is liberally sprinkled with Diller's trademark laugh. If you've never heard it, imaging the sound your grandmother would make if you kicked her really hard in the stomach. For instance, when asked why she took the part, Diller mentions that she had done a few horror films in the past, "and the Boneyard... the name of it alone...ba-HAAAAA!" I'm not going to lie, after about 8 minutes I started liberally using the FF button. If you make it all the way though, be sure and let me know.

Diller was 74 when this film was made... and it shows. If you were wondering why I didn't make the obvious jokes about the lack of difference between Diller the actress and Diller the monster, it's because Diller beat me to the punch on all those jokes with observations such as "They wanted Poopinplatz to look as bad as possible. I looked bad even before I turned into a monster... ba-HAAAAA!" After watching this movie I looked Diller's filmography up and was absolutely astonished to find that not only is Diller still alive, but that since '99 she's been averaging 2 films a year. How she is still up and walking is beyond my comprehension, but more power to her.

The Boneyard is one of those movies that has several elements that look good when you isolate them (cool makeup... creative monsters), but just doesn't end up coming together well. It's too bad, because a movie with a giant Philler Diller Monster really deserves to be seen and enjoyed by as many people as possible.


- Micah

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