Commando Squad (1987)

Directed by: Fred Olen Ray
Starring: Kathy Shower, Brian Thompson, William Smith, Sid Haig

Quintano: You whore… my mother taught me never to hit a woman. [Gives her 2 quick, hard slaps] Then again, I never listened to my mother.

OK, I knew going in that this movie was probably going to be a turd, but I figured it had at least three things going for it: (1) Sid Haig, the ugliest man in show-business, is in it, and he's been known to make bad movies worth watching; (2) I wanted to see if the 1986 Playboy Playmate of the year could be convincing as a commando; and (3) The box promised me she would use a high-tech 'Vengeance Knife' with an acid-filled blade. Was this enough to save the movie? Read on…

Ex-lovers Clint Jensen (Brian Thompson) and Cat Withers (Kathy Shower) are Federal Agents for an unnamed branch of the US government. Something to do with drugs I guess, because Clint has taken a team down to Mexico to shut down a cocaine cartel while Cat stays in the States to clean up the streets. Unfortunately, Clint's team is ambushed and killed by Morgan Denny (William Smith), a rogue Federal Agent, and Clint is taken hostage. Naturally, the government sends in Cat (alone) to rescue him and take down Morgan.

Cat first goes to a local movie memorabilia store/armory to get the weapons she needs for Mexico. I'm not sure why a Federal Agent has to buy her weapons on the street, or why the Bea Arthur look-alike store owner has cases of grenades. I guess they were going for a Bond/Q vibe, but they never explained it. Anyway, she makes it to Mexico, overcomes adversity, and saves the day. There's a few subplots in there, but really, nothing worth explaining.

There's really not much I can say about this movie. Kathy Shower is not very attractive in this movie… she comes across looking like a transvestite version of Elvira. I'm not sure how she managed to be Playmate of the Year just one year prior. Brian Thompson, a poor-man's Dolph Lundgren, looks slightly confused throughout the movie. He doesn't really do anything in this movie other than get captured 3 or 4 times. William Smith is good as the rogue agent, and so is Sid Haig as Iggy, his sleazy second-in-command. The problem is, they're not in the movie very much. Things started to look promising when they decided to torture Clint by pulling out a tooth with a pair of pliers, but then the scene ended quickly without any real payoff. My favorite thing about the movie was a single line that came after Cat asked a lady in a seedy bar if she knew where to score some coke:

Mexican Lady [angrily]: You calling us drug dealers? Is that what you're calling me?
Cat: No, I'm calling you a midget donkey-fucker. You going to do something about it?

I'm not sure if she was saying the lady was a midget who liked to have sex with regular sized donkeys, or if the lady was supposed to enjoy having sex with midget donkeys (which is way sicker than having sex with normal donkey). Either way, it was kinda funny. Anyway, other than that scene and the two bad guys, I can't really recommend this one. 90 minutes of wooden acting, bad stunts, and a stupid story with no nudity or violence to make the rest tolerable. And in case you were wondering, Clint used the Vengeance Knife to stab Morgan in the gut, smoke poured out of his mouth, then he died.


- Micah