Dumb Distraction Halloween 2005: In case you haven't heard... I love Halloween. You don't have to be thankful for anything... don't have to buy flowers for your good-for-nothing girlfriend... there's no need to make resolutions you're not going to keep... at it's best it Halloween season can even hold it's own against Christmas. When you think about it, it's really the least commercial of all the major holidays... the biggest purchase you're responsible for is an extra-large bag of candy corns.

Plus, it's a really great excuse for me to wallow in a month long orgy of horror movies. This Halloween, Dumb Distraction is your source for daily reviews of great horror movies. I've got a lot of good stuff lined up fron all ends of the horror spectrum... obscure foreign horror, classics from my childhood, direct to video zombie movies, high-brow thrillers and gorefests... Don't miss it!

Cronos (1993)

Directed by: Guillermo del Toro
Starring: Federico Luppi, Ron Perlman, Claudio Brook

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Gris: What's happening to me?
De la Guardia: You've been reborn.

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In the 16th century a Spanish alchemist creates an invention that has the power to extend its user's life. The device, shaped like a small golden beetle, was named Cronos. Cronos was far from perfect, however, because if used incorrectly, Cronos could inflict a fate worse than death. Realizing that his peers were not ready for such responsibility, the alchemist separated the instructions from the small golden miracle. The instructions were placed in a stack of worthless manuscripts while Cronos was hidden inside a Cherub statue. Eventually the alchemist passed on, and it seemed his invention would be lost forever.

Cut to modern day where elderly Dieter de la Guardia, after finding the alchemist's manuscripts, has been desperately searching for the item that would provide him with eternal life. He's apparently been at it for a while, because we eventually see that an entire room of his mansion is filled with hollowed out Cherub statues.

Because De la Guardia is so frail, his nephew Angel (Ron Perlman) is sent to do the actual Cherub collecting. Angel clearly doesn't know exactly what De la Guardia is hoping to find... Angel just hopes it's something valuable that will increase his inheritance! Perlman is best known for his work on Beauty & The Beast and Hellboy, but he's very good in this movie. He's big & brooding (obviously), but he's also got a rough intensity to him that you don't always see when he's covered in tons of make-up. Surprisingly, he's also one of the film's biggest sources of comedy. To me he's a modern day Richard Kiel... the kind of guy whose physical appearance makes him very effective in very specific roles.

Mess with him... I dare ya.

Eventually, Angel & De la Guardia manage to track down Cronos to a Cherub statue in an old antiques store owned by Jesus Gris. Of course, as luck would have it, Angel gets to the store a day after Gris accidentally discovers Cronos and begins using it.

When I say 'using it,' what I mean is that Gris allows it to pierce his chest with miniature syringes and suck blood from him. Gris (and the viewer) is never exactly sure what this process actually does... sure we see the intricate gears inside Cronos, and get the sense that there's something living hidden among the mechanical bits, but we never figure out how or why the device works. Of course, the details don't matter all that much to Gris... all he knows is that it makes him feel younger than he has in years. Then again, Gris doesn't have the alchemist's manuscripts, so his use of the life-giving device has unintended results.

Dude, you've got something on your... nevermind.

The rest of the movie is a tense cat & mouse game with Angel and De la Guardia on one side, and Gris on the other. Director Guillermo del Toro takes the story in some directions you might not expect, which helps to heighten the sense of suspense. The movie's climax is a breathtaking battle between two characters on the roof of the De la Guardia factory. When the camera pans back and you see the two silhouettes locked in combat, it's a truly unforgettable scene.

Amazing.

This was del Toro's first major film. He went on to make movies like Mimic, Blade 2, and Hellboy, but it's this film that I feel will age the best. There's something timeless about the story... about how we all struggle against our own deaths. And, of course, the movie's pretty damn scary, and we all know there ain't nothing wrong with that.

- Micah