Horrorthon 2005 at the Alamo Drafthouse (Austin, TX)

Hey all, Micah here. I just got in from the 12 Hour Dusk-Till-Dawn Horrorthon 2005 sponsored by aintitcoolnews.com at the one and only Alamo Drafthouse. For those of you not lucky enough to know about the Drafthouse, it's a movie theater where you can order food and beer while you're watching movies Big Movie Chains don't have the guts to show. I was lucky enough to snag a ticket to this all-night feast of blood, guts, and gore. We weren't told in advance what movies would be showing, only that they were scary enough to drive a normal man insane. Luckily I'm no normal man. I've documented my experience, and with the exception of one movie, I would recommend you tracking down these movies and having your own marathon. With that said, on with the festivities!

8:30 PM - I show up at the Drafthouse about an hour early and there's already a line out the front door. I get behind two middle-aged guys who apparently had just met each other. One looked like a high-school science teacher, and the other looked like a sporadically-employed fast food manager. They immediately launched into a conversation that ranged from Asian necrophilia movies to the use of Odor-Rama for John Water's opus, Polyester. (The greatest gimmick ever, the science teacher exclaimed excitedly.) Yeah, it's that kinda party.

9:20 PM - The line starts moving. The ticket taker tells us we're free to go inside and claim our territory, but to 'choose wisely because you're going to be there for the next 12 hours.' I headed for the prime real estate at the Drafthouse, the line of cushioned couches pushed up against the back wall of the theater. Luckily I made it to the back before all the couch spots got snagged. I order my first cup of coffee... $10 for a bottomless glass. I'm getting my money's worth tonight. Things are looking good so far. Here's the view from my seat:


9:45 PM - Harry (Ain't It Cool News) Knowles welcomes us all to the theater, and admits that he had nothing to do with programming the evening's entertainment. Instead, the movies were handpicked by a guy named Lars. That's great news, because Lars is the host of a weekly midnight film series called Weird Wednesdays (which I have gone to religiously for 3 years now) and this guy knows his exploitation cinema. Lars promises that the final movie of the night has 'the best fucking title of all time.' Pretty lofty promise. Can he deliver? Read on.

9:50 PM - Trailers for Demonoid & Audrey Rose


9:55 PM - Devil Times Five (1974): The first movie of the night is actually one I had already seen at the above mentioned Weird Wednesday series sometime last summer. I don't mind though, because the movie is pretty damn good. It's one of those kids-run-amok type films, but it doesn't pull any punches. Plus it stars Lief Garrett & Sorrell Booke (Boss Hogg himself), although if Lars hadn't pointed Boss out, I never would have spotted him. He plays a guy named Harvey Beckman, a spineless employee of a mega-douche named Poppa Doc. Poppa Doc is a commercial big shot of some sort, and he's spending the weekend in a mountain cabin, along with his slutty wife, Harvey, Harvey's perpetually-drunk wife, Poppa Doc's daughter, her husband & the retarded groundskeeper, Ralph.

Unfortunately for them, a van from a nearby Mental Hospital (Children's Acute Ward) has crashed nearby, killing everyone except for five very deranged children. One's a pyro, one thinks she's a nun, one's a army nut, one's Lief, and the other has no discernable gimmick. The five make their way towards the cabin, and slowly pick off the adults one by one. The adults take an absurd amount of time before figuring out it's the kids doing the killing... but then again, would you expect a 10 year old nun to be a killer? Lief does some pretty non-PC things in this movie, and since it was filmed at the height of his career, it made me (1) wonder whether kid stars had 'handlers' back in the 70's, or if Lief gotta do whatever he wanted to; and (2) bemoan the fact that we live in such a pussified country that we'll never get to see Haley Joel Osmond crossdress and hit on Boss Hogg. Great start to the night.

Body Count: 8 (bludgeoning, hanging, hatchet in the back, combination drowing/pirahnna attack, impaled by glass, burned alive, impaled by bamboo spear & a throat slashing while caught in 4 bear traps).

11:25 PM - Trailers for Creepshow & He Knows You're Alone


11:30 PM - Three... Extremes (2004): This is the only movie title we knew about in advance. It is a horror anthology by three of the biggest up and coming Asian directors, Fruit Chan, Chan-wook Park, & Takashi Miike. All three of the segments are pretty amazing, but since this movie is getting limited release in October here in the states, I'm not going to tell you much about any of them. This is definately one of those movies where the less you know the more you're likely to enjoy it. If forced to pick, I'd probably say I liked Fruit Chan's segment Dumplings the best, but I'm pretty sure it'll be images from Box, Takashi Miike's segment, that'll stick with me. This guy has been putting out an insane volume of movies (over 60 feature length films since 1991) and although they don't often make sense in a conventional manner, they are undeniably breathtaking both visually and technically. This guy truly is a genius filmmaker, so it's a shame most Americans are never going to take the time to watch one of his movies. If you get the chance to watch Three... Extremes, by all means do so. Although fair warning, you probably shouldn't eat while watching.

Body Count: I'm not telling... you don't want me to ruin any surprises do you?

1:25 AM - It's time for a short intermission, so I step outside and order a couple of slices of pizza from one of the many street venders in downtown Austin. The less-dedicated drinkers are just beginning to filter out of the bars, blissfully unaware of the cinematic wonderland that has been going on right under their very noses. Poor saps. I finish my pizza and head back inside, I'm back in my seat just in time for...

1:55 AM - Trailers for Burnt Offerings & Deranged


2:00 AM - Deathdream (1974): Dang... I've seen this movie also, and not too long ago. Again, I'm not too pissed because it's a pretty good movie, but still. Deathdream is a variation of the Monkey's Claw story where a soldier named Andy (Richard Backus) is killed at war, but comes back home to the initial delight of family. However, his incessant need to feast on the blood of the living soon puts a damper on things. This movie is fairly creepy, but it does have a lot of funny parts. My favorite was the bartender who is aghast that someone would discuss their upcoming nuptuals in the newspaper. "Imagine putting a thing like that in the paper" he says. "If you ask me, I bet they've already had their nuptuals in the back seat of his car."

On a side note, director Bob Clark has one of the most bizzare filmographies I've ever seen. He went from making movies like this and Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things in the 70's to Porky's and A Christmas Story in the 80's to Baby Geniuses and The Karate Dog in the 90's. Unbelievable.

Backus, in his first movie role, was fantastic in this movie. He's got this deadpan delivery that really creeped me out. The first night he gets home, his parents confusedly tell him that the government told them he had died. Backus looks and his mom and dad and calmly tells them "I did die," then just stares them down for so long it's uncomfortable. Then, he suddenly bursts into maniacal laughter like he's told the biggest joke in the world, the just as suddenly goes back to being a completely blank slate. In order to keep from literally rotting apart Andy must consume more and more blood, although in a tip of the head to the 70's drug culture, he does his bloodsucking with a needle, not fangs. The dad has an inkling there's something wrong with Andy, and his suspicions are confirmed when he discovers his son savagely strangling the family dog in front of a group of neighborhood kids. He tries to tell the mom, but she's blinded by love for her baby boy, and won't admit anything might be off. I'm not sure why Backus didn't become a bigger star after this role, but he didn't. He went on to land parts in a few made-for-TV movies, then floated around some Soaps before disappearing completely. This movie has some great make-up work, especially towards the end when Andy starts falling apart.

Editors Note: To the dumbasses in the theater who felt obliged to laugh obnoxiously anytime there was silence in the movie, please bite my ass. Just because there's nothing going on aurally in a movie doesn't mean you're free to laugh like a jackass. I'm sure you're the kind of a-hole who helpfully points out that a movie is 'so bad it's good' to anyone within earshot. Be warned that if you continue being a jackass, I may have to cockpunch you. Thanks...

Body Count: 9 (3 gunshot wounds (1 self-inflicted), throat slashing, needle to the throat, make-out choke-out, crushed by car, slammed by light post, & strangled by drive-in speaker wires)

3:40 AM - Trailers for Black Pit of Dr. M & 976-EVIL


3:45 AM - The Roost (2005): DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT. Not only have I seen this movie, but I thought it sucked the first time I watched it. I doubt 4AM screening will improve my opinions of this movie. Nevertheless I grit my teeth and buckle in for a long, boring 90 minutes. Glad I bought bottomless coffee. For those of you that haven't seen this movie (and if you haven't, by all means don't) here is literally all that happens: Car breaks down - Loud Noises - Slow wandering down a street - Loud Noises - Slow wandering in barn infested with bats - Loud Noises - Slow wandering in house infested with bats & the undead - Loud Noises - Slow driving down a road - Loud Noises - Roll credits. That's it. Notice anything? Yeah, a hell of a lot of LOUD NOISES... scary huh? Actually no. I'm sure director Ti West is a nice guy, but he knows shit about making an effective horror movie. This movie was all style and absolutely no substance. I'm pissed now... the last two movies better make up for this turd. I need more coffee.

Body Count: 8 (3 Killed by Bats, 3 Killed by the Undead, gunshot wound, broken neck). Ugh, let's move on.

5:15 AM - Trailers for Mortuary & The Howling


5:20 AM - Shock (1977): Alright, this is more like it, a movie I haven't seen. It was Mario Bava's last film & it stars Daria Nicolo (Dario Argento's lover, and mother of Asia Argento) as Dora. Lars introduced this movie as the "Screamingest Mother-Fucking Movie Ever Made" and he's not far off. Daria screams so much in this movie even Jamie Lee Curtis would say 'Damn, that's a lot of screaming.'

Of course, she's got a lot to scream about. Dora, her kid Marco, and her new husband have just moved back into the house where her first husband committed suicide seven years ago. Unfortuately for Dora and her new husband, the old husband's spirit is still hanging around and it's pissed about something. It possesses Marco and forces him to do it's dirty work. Now, Marco may be the creepiest little bastard I've ever seen in film. Just take a look:


See what I mean? The movie never comes out and says it, but I think Marco is borderline retarded. In the first scene, Dora is calling Marco's name out the back door. Cut to Marco sitting underneath a tree. He looks up, smiles at no one, and proudly proclaims "Marco is my name!", then bounds off in a bizzare lopsided gallop that would put Quasimoto to shame. From that point on he only gets stranger.

That night during a dinner party, Marco walks up to Dora, and in a tone of voice you'd use to ask the time of day tells her "Mom, I have to kill you," then wanders off. Damn this kid freaks me out. The next day, in a extremely uncomfortable scene, Marco dry humps his mother while grunting to her surprising indifference. Once he gets telekinetic powers you can forget about any last vestiges of cuteness that you might have been holding on to... this kid is a full-blown nutcase and he must be stopped.

The only problem is, no one really believes the mother that there's anything strange going on. In the understatement of the night, her doctor helpfully points out "It's possible your husband's suicide, your nervous breakdown, the six month stay in a sanitorium & your electroshock therapy may have had an effect on your personality." This movie did wonders for my disposition and totally made up for the previous crapfest we had to sit through.

Body Count: 3 (2 Exacto knives in the neck & a pick-axe in the back). Not much death for such a scary movie.

6:55 AM - We take a short break for breakfast. Everyone is trying to figure out what the much-hyped mystery title is...

7:15 AM - Trailers for They Came From Within & Race With the Devil (which has the great tagline, When You Race With the Devil, You'd Better be Faster than Hell). And now it's time. Can the final movie of the night live up to all our frenzied expectations? In short, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...


7:20 AM - Devil Fetus (1983): Wow, just, wow. I can't possibly do this movie justice, so I'll just hit the highlights and try to impress upon you the importance of tracking down this movie and watching it over and over. Seriously, your life isn't complete until you've seen this movie.

Shu Ching is at an auction in a local market when she spots a dildo-shaped vase that brings it's owners 'Good Wishes.' She bids on it and takes it to the home of her sister & the sister's 2 boys. She tells the family goodnight & rushes upstairs where she begins caressing the vase excitedly. Suddenly she's having sex with this creature that looks like a cross between the Swamp Thing & the contents of a construction site Port-a-Potty.

Shu Ching's husband walks in on this bizarre sight just as the creature vanishes. The husband snatches the vase & breaks it. The vase releases noxious fumes which envelope the husband, turns his face bright purple and causes puss-oozing sores to break out all over his body. He rips off chunks of his flesh in horror before jumping headfirst out the window. The night before his funeral, Shu Ching also dies of mysterious causes. The Priest supernaturally determines that Shu Ching is pregnant with the tititular character & orders the bodies of the two to remain undisturbed for a dozen years in order to dissapate the evil.

Skip forward 10 years or so, and the sister's two boys, Wei & Kent are all grown up. Kent is visiting the family home (where the two bodies are kept) with his new girlfriend Ju-Ju. Ju-Ju unknowingly disturbs the bodies and releases the devil fetus. The fetus initially takes refuge in the family dog, but is later transferred to Wei.

This setup leads to a series of increasingly bizzare fights and gross-out sequences. You've got maggot-filled birthday cake induced vomiting, insane mystical stop-motion fighting, unnatural relations with a family pet, laser beams from people's eyes, exploding heads, furniture attacks, ruptured priest's eyeballs... and that's not even the half of it. Eventually Kent & Ju-Ju confront the fetus (still trapped in Wei) by stabbing it with a shovel covered in Eagle's blood (I assume that makes sense to people grounded in Asian mythology). The fully-grown fetus explodes out of Wei's body & Kent chops it's head off. Apparently however, a head to an evil fetus is like a set of teeth to a shark. In other words, it has plenty to spare. Does the fetus prevail, or do our two goo-covered lovebirds end the movie with a passionate kiss? I'm not telling. If you don't want to watch this movie, there's no hope for you.

Body Count: I lost count, but I think it was 6 (death by window leaping, cat attack, magical vanquishing, head crushing, shovel stabbing, & a multiple decapitation). Whew, I'm worn out.

So, after 7 cups of coffee, 2 slices of pizza, 1 bag of jerky, 6 movies & 35+ dead bodies I can proudly say I survived the Horrorthon. Three movies I had never seen before, and only one was a real stinker. And how much did this entire experience set me back? $13 for the ticket, $10 for the coffee & $5 for the pizza. Criminally cheap, I know. In all a great way to spend a July evening. Now if you don't mind, I'm tired & I'm going to bed.



- Micah